Further proof that nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

    The problem with being a night owl besides the fact that I'm usually alone is the fact that during the night when there aren't many distractions, I find myself thinking. Now, this might not be a problem for most people, but then most people don't fixate and repress their emotions like yours truly. They also probably aren't as obsessive. For instance, I'm the type to have all her ducks in a row. Especially when it comes to my future career plans. I can't just coast expecting something to pop up. I need to know whats coming around the bend in a year. So that's one of the reasons I'm freezing my butt off at 3 am in my gran's kitchen in Lubbock freakin texas. I can't seem to figure out what I want to do with my life.     And its driving me insane.    Another thing that is bothering me on this chilly night is the assassination of Bhutto, one of the biggest American Allies in the world. I worry that this is such a bad turn for Americans as well as the Pakistanis and i know that we will definitely feel the repercussions of this sad state of events. I feel sad for a woman who had lead such an epic life. I had such respect for a woman that would challenge that level of chauvinism as well as the terrorists.    I just wish I had the answers. When I lived here, I thought I had all the answers and everything was going to be easy. Furthermore, now I feel ashamed of the fact that in my inner most hearts I am looking down my nose at most of these people. I have becomed all the things that I would hate about them, judgemental and closeminded. I look at these good, salt of the earth people, with their kind hearts and loving souls and I know that even though I realize these things, I feel like any number of them are idiots. I'm ashamed because I sneer at these people I know and love whose entire goals in life is to get married and be a teacher. How can I sneer at this when my own mother is a teacher and I believe that it is the most noble profession? I guess I believe that I have transcended West Texas and its citizens. I look at these girls who are so in love with the idea of love and marriage, who plan their weddings to the smallest detail and I want to smack the living hell out of them. I want to be like, "don't you know how much potential you have?" or "why are you settling for so little?" I cannot fathom a world composed of sports, religion and some mediocre teaching career. I don't understand why they believe the most important day of their lives will be their wedding day. Whatever happened to ambition or finding happiness within ones self? Theirs a reason why there is such a high divorce rate for my generation (85%). Its these stupid kids seeing the hearts and flowers and not the rough road ahead of them. I worry that these girls will look back and wonder what they could have been if they hadn't shackled themselves to the first boy they ever fell in love with and settled for teaching in some small town in the middle of nowhere. I shudder at the images that compose these girl's nirvana.    Which brings up another point. My mom told me that my Grandmother is worried about me. She's worried that when she passes on, I won't be able to handle it. And she's right. When I went to college, I went into an incredibly huge abyss of anguish. I can't imagine losing my grandmother. I only have her and my mother.    When you're an only child, you start noticing that their are only a few people in your sphere that are truly your world. For me it was always my mother, my papa, my granny, and erratically my father. My papa died when I was 15 and I'm realizing that i might only have ten years or less until I am completely alone. Just the thought scares me more than I can put into words and to tell the truth, I think I might go insane living in some strange city all by myself. I've always had such a close relationship with my mother and it terrifies me to lose her. So much in fact I've selfishly thought that it would be easier on me to go first, just so I would never be alone. It would kill them. Literally shatter my mother. But I would never be alone.    I never want to get married. I look at all the marriages around me and while you never really know whats between two people, I never want to have the relationships that my family have. Whether its being emotionally dominated by your husband or being so needy that you can't cope, I think I would rather be alone.    I'm scared. I am scared for the future of the world and democracy. I'm scared of the future in itself and my total lack of vision. i'm scared that there is some vital piece that all these girls know and that I am missing. I'm mostly scared of being completely alone and in the cold. I'm so terrified about things that are distantly in the future and I'm fixated on what I think may be my worst fears.    All of this, along with a few other things that have happened have proved to me that nothing good happens after two 'o clock.    I can relate one minor lesson I learned this week. At Brynn Naylor's funeral, the preacher who I have enormous respect for was talking about how he had googled brynn's name and all these wonderful comments coming up. I spent the rest of the funeral grief stricken and so sad, but afterwards it occurred to me that the odds were good that he had come across that blog entry and the rest of my slightly controversial/risque bloggery. Lesson learned? don't write anything you don't want your pastor to see. Quote of the week "Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better" - Ralph Waldo Emerson